“What If?!”

So, I thought I was doing better with the turning “30” thing… Then a coworker called and left me a voicemail saying “hey thirty year old,” when I still have almost a month left… Ugh! =) The one that really got me though, was before that when a friend said, “oh, that means your three decades old.” I thought I was gonna cry!!!! That just sounds harsh!!! I couldn’t believe he told me that. Anyway, it’s okay to laugh – I can laugh now. =)

One of the things on my “list” that I want to talk about is “What If” Syndrome… This is where we as humans constantly ask ourselves “What If?” What if I had done this differently? What if I hadn’t said that? What if I had never met him? What if I had been better?

For some of us, as we age that list of “What If” questions seems to get longer and longer. Others seem to know how to let it go and not worry about the “What Ifs” in life. After all, we can’t go back and undo and redo things as much as we would like to!

I often think about the “What Ifs” of my past and wonder how different things would be if only I could go back and change the things that I regret. I imagine that my life would probably be hugely different than it currently is. If I could go back and undo the things that I wish I had done differently, unsay the things that shouldn’t have been said, take back the words, gestures and actions that forever changed the course of my life, I would probably be in a completely different place.

Would I be happier? I don’t know. I think about the things that I would possibly lose if I could go back in time and “fix” things. Would I still know the amazing people that I currently know and love? Would I have gone to college and met the amazing people I met there? Would I have my current job? Would my daddy still be alive? (That one gives me pause and makes me think it almost might be worth it, just to see if I could get daddy to stop smoking, eat healthier and live many more years…) But then I come back to myself and I know that I wouldn’t necessarily get to keep the knowledge I have now if I could go back to points along the timeline of my life and make repairs. I have come to the realization that as much as there are things that I regret (and have tried to make amends for) and people I wish were still with me that aren’t (death sucks) and things that would be nice if they could be done over again, it’s okay that I can’t fix those nagging “What Ifs” of my past.

Those little questions that pop up (sometimes at the most inopportune times) keep me grounded. They remind me to live my life to its fullest. To try to live the life that God wants me to have – to do things for me that make me happy. To try to live the next thirty years so that when I am reflecting on them at (oh Lord help me) age sixty, I won’t have as many “What Ifs” floating through the recesses of my mind. When I get there I will have happy memories to reflect on with a heart full of love and joy and know that I did what God wanted me to do!

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”

James 1: 5-6 says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given to him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.”

I glean from the above two verses that I need to put all my faith and trust in God and ask him for the guidance and knowledge I need to live the life I want to have. He will provide the answers that I seek – if only I ask with a believing heart. I can do that!

According to Psalm 73:24 “Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory,” therefore, I believe it is in my best interest to follow the will of God – He will guide me and for following His Will, He will bring me unto Him. That’s what I’m working towards – happiness on earth through God and happiness in eternity with the Lord and my family who have gone before me.

One book later and I’m done with today’s entry… Sorry it’s such a long one ya’ll! 
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